I Wish There Was Enough Time to Tell You Everything

Before you go, please don’t forget to pack the camera I gave you when I moved out from Mom’s. Don’t forget to pack extra sweaters, and please throw away those shoes with holes in them--, your roommates will bug you about them. I’m not going to see you until Thanksgiving so please remember to drink water, eat your veggies, and stay away from drugs, even weed. If you want to try it, ask me or Daniel and we’ll do it together (Mom and Dad don’t have to know). What else? Oh yeah, exercise regularly and be active in school. You’re a heavy sleeper so get enough sleep and don’t take an 8 a.m. class. You’ll meet new people so treat everyone with kindness but also be very careful with who you trust. You’re a good kid and I know you’re going to do great. I’ve been going over what I want to tell you before you leave for college but the last thing, I want to do is lecture you. 

Daniel and Ferny on the beach, photo by Nancy Morales.

I’m just relieved that you’re not like me when I was your age. At 18, I didn’t have much direction in my life and there wasn’t anything that interested me. To be honest, I just enrolled myself in community college because I didn’t have much going on. And even though I felt apathetic, I had goals to do well in community college. There was a semester when I made it to the Dean’s List, and I was very involved in school. I felt like I was on track to transfer and graduate in two years, but after that semester I just stopped trying. Even after failing a couple of courses, I was able to somehow transfer to Cal State Long Beach. But once I got there, I dropped out in the middle of the semester. Afterward, I was just wandering through different community colleges and attending them inconsistently. Without a plan in mind, I just dropped college altogether and convinced myself that it just wasn’t for me. 

I’m 1000% sure that this won’t happen to you. You’re responsible, independent, and driven. So, I know that you’ll have a career path in mind. With me, it took eight years to figure out what actually interested me. And it wasn’t until I moved out that I realized that being a college graduate was important to our family. 

Mom making bed in San Diego, photo by Nancy Morales.

I never saw myself actually moving away. In most Mexican families, like ours, there is this expectation to live with them until you get married. And for a while, I accepted this reality. I worked full-time to help financially support the family and I was okay with it. However, there was a heavy reliance on me to carry out household duties and consistently show up whenever needed. Even as a child, there was always an expectation for me to cook, clean, and babysit. For most of my life, I carried these responsibilities as an effort to prove my gratitude to my parents. Because even if I worked myself to the bone, it would pale in comparison to the lengths they had to go through to raise us. However, it became harder for me to consistently carry these responsibilities into college and work a full-time job. It came to the point where I couldn’t separate myself from my role as a daughter. It made it difficult for me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. When I moved out, I took time to explore my own identity and found an interest in writing. In addition to this, I also wanted to serve as a blueprint, for you and Ezio, and graduate college. 

Dad and Ferny hugging, photo by Nancy Morales.

When I came back to Cal State Long Beach, to major in journalism, I felt hopeful in my future. I went in with a plan to get back on track and work my way out of academic probation. I felt confident within my own goals I had set for myself to graduate. However, when I saw that I was surrounded by students who were several years younger than me, it felt like time was quickly running out. When I walked through campus, I would imagine a younger version of myself who was acing classes, building a network, and arranging a career after graduation. In other words, I would imagine someone who was perfect, successful, and happy. Instead, I saw myself as an imposter among a sea of smart, talented, and driven students with a bright future ahead of them. The anxiety of needing to catch up to the people in my age group led me to intense bouts of insecurity, doubt, and depression. I had a constant battle with myself to drop out. I had convinced myself that I was too late and that I shouldn’t bother trying to graduate. 

The most challenging time for me was were the months before this fall semester. I was laid off for the third time and I was quickly running out of money. I kept getting rejected by jobs and I was down to my last check. I never felt so hopeless in my life. It was getting hard to get through the day without breaking down. I felt like a failure. I was a 26-year-old girl in debt, with no college degree, and jobless. I was so angry at myself for not trying a little harder, for not being successful, and for not figuring it out sooner. 

Doorway family photos, photo by Nancy Morales.

At my lowest point, I started to see things turn around. I got a job. I met great people. I got an internship. I got a raise. Slowly, I began to see a positive shift in my life. I managed to get myself out of academic probation and I’m on track to graduate next year. 

Things are much better now, and I feel happier with myself. There are a lot of things that could be better but, for the first time in my life, I know that I’m going to be okay. 

As you get older, you might feel like you’re not enough or you might feel the need to become a perfect version of yourself. You’ll get nowhere if you chase down a dream like that. Treat yourself with kindness and patience as you learn new things. Even if your career path or goals are taking longer to accomplish, trust yourself and keep going.

Ferny fixing legos, photo by Nancy Morales.

I’ve been thinking about what I want to tell you. I end up with a list of things that I want you to remember before you leave home. I pick and choose reminders and pieces of advice. I’m trying to narrow it down to just ten things but there is always something else to tell you. In the end, there just isn’t enough time to tell you everything. Considering everything in my life, you, Daniel, Ezio, Mom, and Dad are always on my mind and my inspiration to do better. Before you go, please remember that you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to give it your best.